Child | Krystyann Krywko, Ed. D.

What does friendship feel like?

03/07/2013

Frienship_Hands “You have to eat pizza for lunch today, or I won’t be your friend.” “If you play basketball with Josh at recess you can’t be my friend.”

Comments like these are heard in classrooms and playgrounds the world over. I often overhear my own children making similar comments (We have to play my game first, or I won’t play with you!). Most of the time these comments are tossed around in a casual fashion and five minutes later the children involved are best buddies again. However, comments such as these, and the intentions behind them, are not always innocent. I recently experienced a situation where a child was so desperate to hang onto his “friend” that he was doing whatever the boy asked.

Luckily the family was able to resolve the situation, but this led me to thinking how quickly a bullying situation can start without anyone really seeing it. When a child is being coerced into acting inappropriately premised on the loss of friendship – that is bullying. It needs to be addressed with all parties involved, I disagree with punishing the bully, but there does need to be discussion about feelings, behaviors, and expectations coupled with consequences.

The friendship world can be tricky to navigate. Some children have a difficult time distinguishing between supportive relationships and relationships that have a different motive.

I recently spoke with Dr. Jennifer Reesman, Director, DREAM (Deafness-Related Evaluations and More) Clinic in Baltimore, Maryland, about friendships and children with hearing loss and how easy it is to misread social situations. “Children want to fit in, they want to be part of a group,” says Dr. Reesman, “often times I hear of situations where the child will go along with a group that is really making fun of him, because he doesn’t realize the difference.”

Dr. Reesman suggests that families talk about friendship at home. “This shared, open communication is important in building resiliency in your child,” says Dr. Reesman. “Start at an early age, and discuss the idea of friendship. Help your child understand the difference between what friends do and what friends don’t do. Find out who your child’s friends are, invite them over to your house, stay connected with how they talk and play together.”

It’s important to remember that friends and family members often tease one another good naturedly. The difference between friendly and unfriendly teasing has to do with the cues that surround the words – tone of voice, body posture, and facial expressions. All those social cues that children who are deaf and hard of hearing often have a difficult time picking up on. Role play with your child. Say phrases to him in a friendly voice and a mean voice. Sign unfriendly phrases to him. What do friendly facial expressions and signs look like? Have him distinguish between the two and also have him practice what they could do in response.

Helping your child become more aware of the intentions of others can go a long way towards navigating the world of friendship.

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Are you really listening?

01/23/2013

According to Merriam-Webster there are three subtly different parts to the verb “listen”:

to pay attention to sound

to hear something with thoughtful attention: give consideration

to be alert to catch an expected sound

I find it interesting that being alert and paying attention are highlighted in each meaning. As parents we pride ourselves on our multitasking abilities. Look how easily we can get dinner ready, send a text message, and catch up on the day’s news, all while listening to our child talk about the art project she worked on at school.

It is easy to fool ourselves that we are listening. After all we have alerted our ears to pick up the sound of our child’s voice, but listening involves more than simply using your ears – it involves your eyes, ears, and heart (Medwid & Weston, 1995).

As parents of children who are DHH it is particularly important to pay attention when our children are speaking. Communication becomes exhausting, and breaks down easily, when the listener doesn’t understand what the speaker has said, but pretends they do.

Here are some tips to help you listen better:

Pay attention with your eyes. If ASL is part of your communication method, then you are way ahead on this one! In order to be an effective communicator in ASL you need to pay attention with your entire eyes – on the lookout for subtle differences in gestures and facial expressions.

However, if you and your child communicate orally/aurally you should be paying just as much attention with your eyes. Your child is constantly sending you visual messages that go along with their words – body language and facial expressions. If you truly are too busy to pay full attention at the moment tell your child: “I really want to listen to what you have to say. Just give me five minutes to chop these onions and I will be able to hear you better.”

Repeat what your child says. There is no need to give a “play by play” of what your child has just said. But if your child is trying to tell you about difficult feelings, has a specific request, or is simply telling you a long story it is a good idea to repeat back what you just heard. This can clear up any confusion or misunderstanding that might be happening on either part. It can be as simple as saying something like, “So, you want to know if we are going to the store before or after dinner?”

Be warned – repetition is a must when your child says something that you do not understand. Never pretend that you understand when you don’t – your child will begin to feel like you are not really listening and won’t always talk the time to tell you what they are thinking. What’s the point if you are only pretending to understand?

Listening all the way through: We like to be prepared as parents. We want to make sure we can answer our child’s questions; help they understand their feelings; and generally like to stay one step ahead. This often means that halfway through listening we tune out, or begin to think ahead, of what our answer might be. It’s okay to take some time to put together an answer after your child has finished speaking. It’s even okay if we “hem” and “haw” a little bit. When you take the time to slow down you can ensure that you understand exactly what your child is trying to saw.

Taking the time to listen with your eyes, repeat what your child has said, and listening all the way through, not only helps increase your communication with your child, but also serves as a model for what your child needs to do when they are in a conversation that they don’t understand.

Sources: Medwid & Weston (1995) Kid-Friendly Parenting with Deaf and Hard of Hearing Children, Gallaudet

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Understanding Your Needs as a Parent

11/02/2012

As the parent of a child who is deaf or hard of hearing, or a child with other special needs, it can be difficult to find time for your needs to be met. The early weeks and months after a diagnosis are filled with doctor’s appointments, changes in schedules, trying to find early intervention providers, or meetings with the school. It can be hard for parents to find time for themselves. Plus, in this day and age of “extreme parenting” where parent’s routinely brag about the sacrifices they are making for their children it can be difficult to find where the boundaries are between meeting the needs of your child and ensuring that your needs are met as a parent.

Yet, it is when we take the time to catch our breath, to connect with our partner, or quiet our brains when we find that we gather strength as parents. But what constitutes parental needs?

Dr. Richard C. Horowitz, in his book, Family Centered Planning: Your Guide for Growing Great Families, provides a list of basic needs that provide a better understanding of how parents can work towards grounding themselves emotionally. When parents are better able to work from this emotionally grounded center they “will be in a better position to help their children connect their own behavior with satisfying a basic need.”

The following list of needs can be found in Dr. Horowitz’s book. Additionally you can find a brief survey that can help you find out areas of strengths and weaknesses.

Love & Belonging: – The need for unconditional acceptance and caring of spouse and children

Power: - The need to be a capable parent, to be effective in the eyes of our spouse, our family and community in child rearing.

Freedom: - The need for a parent to recognize the necessity of some time off from the responsibilities of parenting to achieve individual freedom; it should be experienced without guilt because it restores our energy to parent.

Fun: - An adult should be free to engage in playful behavior with a child that can be expressed in an adult world; play/fun should be the goal of the entire family not just the children.

Survival: - The need to feel that life’s fundamental necessities are being provided.

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5 Ways to Bring a Little Bling to your Child’s Hearing Aids (and CIs)

09/19/2012

Unlike adult hearing aid wearers who want their hearing aids to blend in, young children love to see their hearing aids decorated in bright colors and stickers in order to make them cool or pretty. There are all sorts of accessories that are available for hearing aids – stickers, charms, glittery ear molds. Your child might enjoy the chance to decorate his hearing aids in his own unique style so that others can see what sports, colors, or activities he likes.

When my son first wore his hearing aids (they were decorated with soccer ball stickers) to his preschool class, one of the little girls was so excited that she went home and told her mom that when she got her hearing aids she wanted pink ones with glitter!

Below is a top five round-up of websites for some ideas:

Ear-Gear – Colorful and practical at the same time! Ear Gear bills itself as “Hearing Instrument Armor” They describe their product as “a water resistant double layered, spandex nylon sleeve that protects hearing instruments from loss, rain, sweat, dust and dirt, and makes hearing instruments more comfortable to wear.”

As an added bonus they make a pair with a cord and a clip that attach to the back of your child’s shirt. When my son was small he wore the ones with the cord and clip to school and when he was playing outside. Now that he is a little bit older he wears the sleeve only when he is skiing, playing hockey, or just running around on a humid day.

Plus, Ear Gear is a family run business, and they have a great story of how the product was developed (hint: it all began with a mother’s frustration). Read their story here. Love this company!

Hayleigh’s Cherished Charms – This site will bring out the fashionista in you! (Good luck choosing just one!) Hayleigh is young girl who decided to take her hearing aids to the next level and decorate them for all to see. Her designs are constantly changing and are perfect to add a little extra oomph to your hearing aids and cochlear implants. My son loves the “tube twists”, which come in orange, his favorite color. Next purchase, we are going to ask Hayleigh if she can make a custom pair of NY Rangers twists!

Stickers – These are probably my son’s favorite, plus I like them because they are so easy to change. Custom-sized stickers and decals are generally available from almost any hearing aid or cochlear implant company. The stickers we received from Oticon are sport themed so my son can display his favorite sports and change them as often as he wants. Ask your audiologist, or contact the company directly.

Tube Riders – Another cool idea started by a mom (gotta love those moms!) Originally conceived to help her son personal his glasses, but with a little experimentation (and a suggestion from her husband) they expanded to hearing aids. Slip them on and change them up!

DIY decoration – If you are one of those crafty people, then you are only limited by your imagination! For inspiration Google “hearing aid” or “cochlear implant” decorations. You will be amazed at what you find. This blog post has a great round-up of photos. Have fun!